Wow erm kinda feeling numb cus since my mental cognition has returned I have felt something missing and iv felt it before but couldn't name it. I know I was in denial, I don't want to accept what it was I was feeling.
My husband does everything and I mean everything, he looks after the housekeeping, cooking, washing, the kids & me and he is brilliant at it. I don't want for anything because he does it all for me.
So what's my problem what is it that is burning a hole through my chest ? Sadly iv realised we are no longer emotionally connected he is JUST my carer and we are married.
He cares for me has done for 11 yrs and iv realised that slowly and quietly over the years as my disabilities took more and more of me away, they slowly stole my Husband and gave me the best carer in the world.
He is awesome, but we are missing our emotional connection, its gone ad iv tried to talk to him but he gets defensive and shuts down.
I need my husband back and dont know what to do I'm just numb from the realisation that my disabilities stole my husband and gave me a gold medal winning carer.
I know he loves me but don't think he is In love with me, he cares for me like I'm a queen but for me that's not enough I need someone that can be there for me emotionally because my disabilities take alot out of me.
I want a hug when sat sobbing in pain saying rather be dead than go through aymore. I need conversation about feelings, good or bad, happy or sad, I need to feel connected..
When I asked him why he didn't try to comfort me he replied 'you cry a lot lately" his answer broke my heart because to me that answer basically said "Is There Any Point ?" 4years ago he would of held me in his arms, stroked my hair and told me I'd be ok not ignored me but it seems the more sick I got the less empathic and loving he got.
I have suggested mediation, anything to re connect and he won't - I dont know what else I can do ? I feel like he doesn't want to re connect because he says nothing is wrong.
I can't live like that - I'm so confused because I do love him but love isn't enough to carry a relationship !?!
For all the things my disabilities stole I never ever imagined it could take something so special to me, so needed ! Yet it has, I say this with a deep darkness in my heart, if my husband chooses to be just my carer then we will eventually cease to be married.
I NEED to be emotionally connected, its an essential requirement in a relationship for ME . . .
I need him to see me as his wife not just a disabled women . . .
Same with my husband.ReplyDelete
My heart breaks for you! I live with chronic pain as well. I do not like to be labeled with it, I do everything I can to make sure that it does not define me. I have lost my career and relationships because of.ReplyDelete
On that note I am just rebuilding my life despite the chronic pain. As I am rebuilding, I am working on documenting my story in hopes that it will helps others.
Start by accepting you, loving you
I do accept and love myself but its not enough to hold my marriage together if he doesnt feel the same way about me. It is he who needs to acceot and love himself to be able to offer me the same xx GeorgieReplyDelete